۹

What makes me cry is a long list of reasons that I am aware of, and moments which catch me unexpectedly. Then, depending upon who it is that I am crying in front of and what made my tear ducts come alive, shame can follow, or at this point in my life, sometimes, thankfully not.

Crying and I have a long, very long, and complicated relationship. For as far as I can remember it has always been a companion. Early on, I found out I cried too much, cried over everything, and needed to speak properly and not always start crying. Why I responded with tears often was a riddle that I tried to solve when alone. It mostly yielded no answers. At one point, “Tanya is very sensitive” became the unsatisfactory response for those trying to figure it out along with me. 

Sensitivity, as a concept, is generally an appreciable one. But it’s difficult to live with, or so it seems. At least, when it results in tears, and especially, when it  runs counter to the other persons’ logic. 

As I learn to unpack years of shame that embedded itself into my chest, I am realising, there are emotions us human beings haven’t made peace with. Crying is one of them. We have belittled it, gendered it, and made categories for when it is acceptable and in what quantities but what we have not is understood it. 

Funnily enough, I don’t like being around people who cry a lot either! It irritates me and I wonder why they have to cry in so many situations?!

Perhaps, I need to think of them as me. I need to remind myself of this new way of thinking that has been brought to my attention - that crying isn’t shameful, often it is a stress response and a way of coping, that it doesn’t imply weakness, and is many times a sign of an alive and feeling heart. There is crying that lightens one’s heart, there is crying that humbles, and there is crying that brings you closer to your essence. I am a fan of these.

In more ways than one, it is the same with sensitivity and vulnerability. In fact, as the years shape up, I now know that vulnerability takes courage. Just because it comes easier to me than to several others, doesn’t take away from it. I also own my sensitivity now because of what it opens me up to, what I can pick on when many can’t, its strengths and beauty.

Yes, sometimes, crying becomes a way of being. Maybe, that’s what I need to be vigilant of. Although, why an emotion shows up so often needs introspection. Therapy, acceptance, and a lack of judgement from someone close tells me; yes, I have a certain personality, which gives this emotion main character energy many times, but also, I inherited and felt my own griefs, found a general lack of understanding for this as a legitimate response, and perhaps needed to be gently provided with counter responses in such situations at an early age. Everyone did. Everyone does - perhaps, even later. 

We are our nature and nurture. I want to extend the same compassion I yearn for to those whose environment told them otherwise. I have met them. I know them deeply. I am beginning to understand them. I love them and hate for judgement to come their way. I am trying, as everyone is in their own way.

Somedays, we succeed, other days we wish for rain to come and wash everything clean.

---

* This post was written in response to the prompt ‘What makes me cry’ as part of the Ochre Sky Writing Circle.

** A special thanks to Reem Maghribi who wrote in asking why had I stopped writing or publishing on this platform. I have been contemplating what to write about here without publishing some of the more personal writing that I have been doing and realised I have a piece ready to go. Thanks for checking in again, Reem! Reem started publishing on ‘Tales from a Rebellious Region’ today. Do read!