۱۰

S: “So, what do you think?”

M: “I think it’s great. What about you?”

S: “I think it was alright. Their story doesn’t stand out, it doesn’t engage much.”

M: “..I think the visa issue is important. It’s a fear I’ve always had too, still do..”.

S: “ You mean where the wife had to go to her country with the child and the husband couldn’t go?”

M: “Yeah…Ab toh mera dil bhi nahin chahta India jaane ka. Filhaal toh Modi hai, par dekho agar Issa ki posting wahan hogayi agle kuch saalon mein toh mere jaane se koi masla na ho uske liye”.

Constriction. My heart and chest tighten ever so slightly. I try not to let my facial expressions give me away. Where did this come from all of a sudden?

S: “Where are you going?”

M: “I’m gonna walk for a bit. I’ve been sitting since we came, tum bhi uth jao, jab se aayi ho bethi wi ho.”

S: “I walked for over 30 minutes a while back.”

F: “30 mins!, okay, I’ll be back.”

I look into my laptop. This isn’t helping. I get up, press the lock screen and walk to the other end next to the majlis area and decide on walking alongside him as we usually do after having a meal. We’ve folded the wooden window panes all around our table and I can leave without worrying about our area heating up further. The A/C on this end has been mildly functional today but it really is the best table with a view of “our” amaltas tree and the light pouring in from the park on all sides, so we don’t move.

M and I found this branch of the Emirati restaurant back in 2020 as covid raged across the world. When the lockdown in Dubai eased a few months into the year, we happened to spot it perchance and ever since, it’s become our place of work and social gatherings.

We’re friends with the staff, our order of karak chai with dates and samak tanoor (grilled sea bass and rice), rarely varies, and there’s a comfort with the ambience here that I have struggled to find elsewhere in the city in my quest for workspaces as an artist without her own office.

I find him talking to R in the fish section. R, who’s from Chandigarh, has recently been promoted to a supervisory position after eight years of working in the UAE. He started out as a cleaner at this joint. Every time they engage, Punjabi flows between them, whereas I respond in Urdu despite being from a similar background. My nana and nani were both from Punjab but my mother and her siblings grew up in Karachi and were spoken to in Urdu. I’ve grown up inheriting the fabric of that culture but not the confidence to speak the language.

I turn around and make my way back to the table massaging my arms and take deep breaths to ease the discomfort. A few minutes later, he comes back smiling.

M: “Is everything alright?”

S: “Yeah, just thinking.”

M: “About?”

S: “What you said about not wanting to go to India because of Issa’s posting.”

M: “I think I didn’t think that through so don’t give it much thought.”

S: “Look, just because Issa made a life decision about wanting to serve his country and doing this job, doesn’t mean I should have to make my decisions keeping in mind what will affect him or not, or us as a couple. How would you like it if I said I don’t feel like going to Pakistan anymore?”

S: “I mean, we wouldn’t have gotten married…”

M: “(laughs) this literally was one of the key factors for the both of us when looking for a life partner”.

S: “I know but what if I were to say it now or in recent years, given everything that’s taking place?”

M: “I would understand.”

S: “I don’t want to be beholden, M. These decisions should be ours.”

M: “Forget about Issa. He’s not even a factor. You have an Indian passport and I’ve told you this from the very beginning. If the circumstances weren’t as bad as they are now, even then you wanting to do something in a political or socially controversial context within Pakistan will be viewed as an Indian coming in and harming - that has serious consequences.”

S: “I know but I need you to know, I don’t want to be beholden to anyone for my or our decisions. I have always wanted to move to Pakistan because I wanted to move back home and give back to my country, not because I romanticised the notion after watching a Fawad Khan drama and thought, "oh so exotic, this is what I want…”

S: “What? Why’re you looking at me like that?”

M: “ You don’t have to put it like that.”

S: “Like what?”

M: “That you didn’t get married because I’m not exotic enough..”

S: “Are you serious?!”

This is what he’s upset about! I can’t seem to say anything right these days. Everything is misconstrued.

M: “You don’t have to hurt my feelings or make it seem like I wasn’t exotic enough for you.”

S: “Oh my God. You didn’t even let me finish! I can’t believe..I should just not say anything.”

M: “Isn’t that what you were trying to say?”

S: “No! I was trying to tell you this culture isn’t exotic for me because I know it! My mother is Pakistani and I am from it. I mean, I always would’ve been happy to marry a Pakistani but my reason for wanting to go back to Pakistan is my love for the country, not marriage!”

He nods and gets a sheepish smile on his face.

M: “Misunderstanding hogayi. Waise Priyanka ko bhi toh Nick exotic laga tha”.

I roll my eyes but can’t help suppress a chuckle.

M: “ I know. Look mujhe jaana hai India but you know Modi ki wajah se filhaal dil nahin chahta. And, I would understand, if given what’s happening in Pakistan, you didn’t wanna go anymore..

S: “Yeah, what would you do?”

M: “I wouldn’t go either then, kya karein. But forget Issa. My parents are there, I go there for them. Right now, if you’re posting on social media and your circle is small, then it’s still different, but if you were to speak out and reach more people, it becomes dangerous. The stories I’ve heard this time, haraamzaday hain yeh.”

These are hard times to navigate one's identity no matter which continent you find yourself in. When it comes to India and Pakistan, the narrative is hostage to ignoramuses, right wingers, bigots, and defence budgets, but if you were to grow up in a house like mine, you’d know the system cracks more every time some of us come together.

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This post was written last year in response to the prompt ‘friendship’ given during the Ochre Sky Writing Workshop. They are hosting another set of workshops this summer and I wholeheartedly recommend joining! It accelerated my return to writing after a break of almost a decade. tinyurl.com/OchreSkyWriting